The Day I Tried to Eat Healthy
 

It all started with an innocent decision: “Today, I will eat healthy.” That was my first mistake.

I marched into the kitchen like a warrior of wellness, determined to trade chips for carrots. I made a smoothie with kale, spinach, and something green I found in the fridge (it might have been a leftover leaf from last year’s salad). It smelled like betrayal.

The One sip and my body went into shock. My tongue filed a complaint. My stomach threatened to walk out. Even the dog gave me a concerned look and walked away — and he eats socks.

But I persevered. For lunch, I had quinoa. Do you know what quinoa is? It’s what happens when rice and birdseed have a bland baby. I added lemon juice to give it “flavor.” Now I just had sour sadness.

By 3 p.m., I was hallucinating a cheeseburger in my mirror. I told it I missed it. It told me I was weak.

I broke at 4:07 p.m. I attacked a packet of biscuits like a wild raccoon. I regret nothing.

Moral of the story: balance is important. For every kale smoothie, there should be cake.