Let me preface this by saying I am not a morning person. My brain doesn’t start working until I’ve had at least two cups of coffee and a solid five minutes of staring into the abyss wondering how I got here.

So on this particular Monday morning, bleary-eyed and half-conscious, I reached into my bathroom cabinet for what I thought was my eye drops. I was dealing with a bit of dryness in one eye, and I figured, hey — let’s handle that before pretending to be a functional adult.

Now, I don’t want to point fingers (except at myself), but why does super glue come in a bottle that looks suspiciously like eye drops? The cap was the same. The size? Identical. And in the cruelest twist of fate, it was sitting right next to the real eye drops.

I tilted my head back, squeezed, and then… instant regret. My eye snapped shut like it owed someone money.

At first, I thought, “Wow, these drops work fast!” Then the burning started. And I realized I had just permanently welded my eyelids together. I became a pirate. A very panicked, flailing pirate.

The next 20 minutes were a blur of cold water, incoherent screams, and Googling "Can I die from gluing my eye shut?" My partner burst into the bathroom thinking I had been attacked by a raccoon. In a way, I had — the raccoon was just my own stupidity.

The ER staff didn’t laugh to my face — they were professionals — but I swear I saw a nurse smirk while handing me an eye patch.

Anyway, I’m fine now. I’ve labeled everything in my bathroom with large neon stickers, and I’ve learned two valuable lessons:

1. Never trust anything before 8 a.m.

2. If it says “industrial strength bonding agent,” it’s probably not for your cornea.