November, 30th.... 7:54

It's all coming through me again... The pain.. the flashbacks..the scars, the walls I tried so hard to build to hide myself from being seen... It's all crashing down again... I'm trying, trying so hard to breathe, trying so hard to be sane, trying so hard to feel safe. Alone, I know they're all here for me but for how long? How much do I have to take, how much do I have to bear and all I hear is "we're here, we're with you, stay strong" but what if I can't? What if I can't breathe anymore and I stop trying. I stop trying to wake up, stop trying to hope and just let it all consume my living.. One can't fully be alive while his soul is dead now can he? I got a line from a movie I watched at exactly this time yesterday.. it spoke deeper about my feelings than any handwritten poem I've ever written 

"Breathing isn't living" and this is what I have been, breathing... Breathing and still gasping for air.. but on the outside it looks like I don't care. Past traumas, present and I can also sense the future, unhealed wounds that were hurt again.. hurt from the age where you shouldn't know what hurt means. 

I feel in love with the hairs on my skin. How they stand when they feel the burning sensation coming again.. how they fall with the liquid red milk gushing out through my skin holes when I draw on my skin..but not with a pencil or a brush... But with the harsh words and actions of the very people who were meant to be my shelter. The very roof over my head is the same roof that pushed me over the edge as I fell hard, face flat, heart out on the ground. Now I have no roof to go back to, disowned from a family that never left like home, alone.. no food or clothing or a place to stay. I NEED HELP! My friends are there for me, but for how long? The end of the month might be the end of me, but I'll be fine. I will keep on breathing and somehow I will live. I'll be fine again. I HOPE. But all I can say is that "I'm genuinely tired, God please make it stop