Who am I?

I've often lingered and twirled amidst my guilt,
Allowing my soul to be dragged through the depths of pain,
And then immersing in the searing heat of the fire.

I've adorned myself with different tags and names,
All in a selfish and peculiar obsession to be nothing but pain.

I've been grieving.
And it's peculiar trying to grieve and live.
You have tasks to complete, a life to lead,
Yet you're ensnared in that endless abyss of pain.
It drains your emotions.

It begins with denial, apprehension, anger, fury, fear, more anger,
And that's what I've been grappling with.
My mind is in constant skirmish with my brain.
Why? Why? Why?

I've concocted reasons why they should have survived,
And pondered over what I could have done to prolong their existence,
Knowing none of it could guarantee their survival,
But it's comforting to believe so.

I'm weary of shedding tears.
I'm weary of the pain too deep to endure.
I know one day, we will reunite,
And everything will be equitable.
But for now, let me weep today, just one more drop,
May I shed?