“Will I ever find love?” Abbie began to scribble in her diary………

I sometimes wonder, “Am I difficult to love?” or maybe I haven’t found the right person yet. Nobody gives me any reason to love them the way I want to. Sometimes I get excited about people but it soon fades away in a matter of days. I do not trust anyone when they try to express their feelings to me or rather I feel it’s not genuine. I am scared of letting anyone in, I try to be mysterious by holding back a lot of things that need to be said. I try to voice out my displeasures but I construct it very carefully so as to not offend the person. I know if I say it the way it is in my head, it’d come off as being rude and I’m scared of someone losing interest when I don’t even see them in that light of us having anything to do with each other in a romantic type of way. It’s giving manipulation right? but I don’t want to believe.

I am sometimes irritated and disgusted by certain attitudes and talks. It comes off as shabby, fake and delusional.

One thing I can say about myself is I know what I want and it is definitely not any of these people. I catch myself making comparisons with other people which is bad but I cant just help it. I lie to myself and to people that I am confused about what I really want when i know that these are not the people I want in my life. I think of just cutting ties with them one day but I don’t think I can at the same time. It feels like I enjoy the attention from them that I’m scared that if they stop, I wouldn’t be wanted or desired elsewhere. Or is it for lust? At times, I get the desire for the need to experience what some people have experienced. Maybe I’m doing too much and I should just chill?

One thing that is clear is, whatever I’m doing isn’t working for me but I just wouldn’t listen to my inner self or I’m trying to be nice by leading these people on? What if I am even the one deceiving myself and their intention towards me aren’t pure? That, i do not know.

What I know is that I crave something peaceful, exciting and meaningful. Even if it’s for a short-term, I don’t mind. I’m just in need of something steady and constant.

Will I ever find love?

Stick around and find out!” She drops her pen and goes about her day.