Welcome to you got made.com  where we'll trade your social life for a new identity and a healthy dose of paranoia. Our witness protection service is the perfect solution for anyone who's ever wondered what it's like to live in constant fear of being whacked, stabbed, or otherwise inconvenienced.

Imagine sipping margaritas on a sun-kissed beach, the warm sand between your toes and the sound of waves crashing against the shore. That's what our clients get – along with a comprehensive guide to avoiding assassination and a complimentary "How to Make a Proper Cup of Coffee While in Hiding" instructional DVD.

But don't just take our word for it! Here's what some of our satisfied clients have to say:

"I was living in fear of being rubbed out, but now I'm sipping pina coladas in a tropical paradise. Or at least, I think it's a tropical paradise – the GPS on my burner phone says I'm somewhere near Cuba." – Vinnie "The Bull" LaRosa

"I didn't even know I was in witness protection until I woke up in a hammock with a sombrero on my head. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to get the stain out of my favorite shirt." – Jimmy "The Snitch" Wilson

Our team of experts (okay, we hired some dudes off Craigslist) will work tirelessly to ensure you remain one step ahead of your would-be assassins. And if all else fails, we'll provide you with a comprehensive guide to making a dignified last stand.

So what are you waiting for? Sign up now and receive a complimentary "I'm-not-a-rat" t-shirt, perfect for wearing to your next anonymous support group meeting. But wait, there's more! As a special bonus, we'll throw in a second shirt that reads "I'm-not-dead-yet" – and if you act now, we'll even throw in a free coffin, just in case things don't go according to plan.

And as a final touch, our team will provide you with a comprehensive exit strategy – including a fake mustache, a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, and a one-way ticket to a destination of your choice. So don't wait – sign up now and take the first step towards a life of excitement, adventure, and constant fear for your safety!