Sometimes I'm forced to think God has His favourites,
maybe He loves one person more than another,
just like Esau and Jacob.

Some He likes,
others He tolerates,
Maybe.

Does He really care for me,
or does He just say He does?

Is His love really everlasting?
or do they just say it is?

Am I even loved by the Father?
If He had to pick a favorite,
would it be me?
Chai, maybe that's why I'm suffering.

Maybe the real fear isn't that God has favourites,
maybe the fear is that I'm ordinary to Him.

To be honest,
I don't just want to be loved,
I want to be favoured.
Because if He truly doesn't show favoritism,
why does it feel like others are remembered faster?

Why does it feel like my testimony is postponed,
like when blessings are being assigned, 
mine is placed on hold.
I want my prayers answered fast,
even before I open my mouth to say them.

My heart is tired,
Bruised by disappointment.
Beaten by struggles.

Maybe I just want God to prioritize me,
to fast track me,
to make my process shorter,
to make my story softer.

Does He really have a favorite?
Or am I just hurting,
hurting because life doesn't feel great,
because things aren't going my way?

Romans 9:11; Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad, in order that God’s purpose in election might stand: [12] not by works but by him who calls, she was told, "The older will serve the younger."

Esau and Jacob?
Their story was bigger than them.
Before they were born,
before they had done anything good or bad,
His purpose was already standing.

The vessels He used were special,
because they were chosen,
they were not chosen because they were special.
It was never about them.
It was about Him.

It's all about Him,
to make the riches of his glory, 
known to the objects of his mercy, 
whom he prepared in advance for glory.

It isn't by human efforts or desires,
It's all about God's mercy,
His compassion.

Maybe I am not unloved.
Maybe I am being shaped.
Maybe silence is not rejection,
maybe delay is not dismissal.

Sometimes I still wish I could speed up my life,
like how I speed up movies to know the end,
but growth doesn't have a 2x option.
And even when it feels slow,
He is not slow in love.

Love is not proven by ease.
His silence is not absence.
You're not overlooked.
you're just being built.

Self pity never helps,
It's just devil's way of making us feel like God doesn't care.
God has never stopped listening, 
caring, 
or loving you.

He chose me,
by dying on the cross.
He died, not because I was special,
but because He is loving.

Acts 10:34; Then Peter began to speak: “I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism.”