It scares me how something I once wanted so badly now feels like a burden I can barely hold.

‎I used to get excited at the thought of going to school. There was this strange relief that I’d finally be free from home, free from my parents, and learn what it feels like to survive on my own. There was hope that maybe if I went to school, I’d find direction, maybe even discover a purpose or passion.

‎I never really thought deeply about what exactly I wanted to study. A lot of things crossed my mind, but I ended up choosing one because I believed it would help me in ways I couldn’t explain. I thought school would feel like freedom… a breath of fresh air. But after every class, I can’t wait to go home. Not because home has anything special waiting for me, but because being in a new environment feels uncomfortable and overwhelming.

School felt like an escape, a pathway to shaping my future, but even the future lies in my hands, and the fear of ruining it follows me everywhere.

‎There was a time the thought of school made me feel alive, like there was hope. But now? It’s mostly confusion.

‎No one warned me about the kind of stress that gets into your bones. I tried to prepare myself mentally, but nothing prepares you for sleeping late, waking up early, repeating the same routine every day. There’s nothing fun in that.

‎And the pressure… I don’t even know how to explain it.

‎Then life started hitting me harder. Circumstances I can’t control. The financial stress that drains my soul. Money, the one thing we don’t want to worry about, ends up being the thing that triggers every other problem.

‎Then there’s the loneliness. Feeling unseen in a place where you’re supposed to connect with people. Feeling alone in the middle of a crowd. It slowly destroys confidence. You sit in a quiet corner watching strangers laugh and socialize while you’re just there, like an unattractive artwork nobody notices.

‎Everything changed. I don’t know when or how, but something shifted.

‎My life got heavier than my motivation.

Now I feel numb. I feel nothing and everything at the same time.

‎I don’t know how to explain it.

‎I feel confused about my path. I’m scared I’ll miss opportunities, but I don’t know what I should even be doing to avoid that.

‎I feel disconnected from the world.

‎No interest in meeting new people, even though I know I can’t do life alone.

‎And there’s guilt… guilt for not being as excited or energetic as everyone else seems to be.

‎Now I just move through the days like I’m watching myself from the outside.

‎Present, but not really there.

‎It feels like I’m not living, just existing.

‎Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me… or maybe I’m just tired in ways I can’t explain.

‎I don’t have the answers yet.

‎I’m still trying.

‎Maybe one day, I’ll feel that spark again.

‎But for now, I’m learning to show up, even when my heart feels heavy.

‎Just maybe…

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