It’s dark. Quiet. I feel nothing. Is that normal?

“Alexandra” It was just a whisper, but somehow, I heard it. I look around…in vain. I can’t see a thing. I bring my hands up to feel around. Nothing! Where am I? What happened?

 I hear the voice again, it sounds closer. By instinct, I look up. A light shines through a small hole. I squint my eyes, adjusting to the brightness.    The voice is clearer now, familiar, soothing and compelling. I take a step, to where? I don’t know. Something about the voice propels me to move towards it. I shiver, rubbing my palms along the length of my arm. The light is brighter now and consumes the whole space where I stand.

“Who’s there” I say seeing a figure materialize in front of me

 “You don’t belong here” A feminine  voice reaches my ear and I reach out to touch her but something pulls me back.

 An unseen force and I scream at the jolt of pain that rushes through me. I reach my hands out to the woman whose back was still facing me.

 “Please, help me” I cry as another rush of pain wrecks my body causing me to double over.

  “You don’t belong here” She says again, turning slightly. Tears fall from my eyes as I clutch my stomach, writhing in pain.

 “I want to stay” I plead once more but was greeted with deafening silence and a thousand jolts of pain. I closed my eyes and welcome the all too familiar feeling.  

    Day 394

 “Bye Maggie, see you tomorrow” I wave with a smile at my best friend as I leave the diner where I work. The night air is chilly and thankfully I brought a jacket. The walk from Joe’s Diner to my place isn’t far. Some days I take my bike and other days, like today, I choose to walk.

 It’s our anniversary. Today would have made it two years. I feel the ring on my finger and sigh. Two years ago, we were together, holding each other, declaring our vows in front of hundreds of people that came. Close friends, family, and everyone who knew us and the great love story we once shared. We had fought against all odds and still came out strong. Our pains and trials only making our love grow stronger.

 How do you live without your significant other? How do you live without the only person who truly loves and understand you? How do you live without a part of your soul? You don’t. The Lord knows I’ve been a walking corpse for the past year.

 It should have been me. He should have taken me with him at the very least. He didn’t. I was forced to face the torture of knowing life without him. My hands instinctively reached for the jewel around my neck. Another testament of our love.

 “Close your eyes” he said. I dropped the book I was holding, instantly snapped out of the little world I always found pleasure in…before him.

  “What are you doing” I smile, doing as I’m told. I waited a while, listening to the soft padding of his feet. My breath catches in my throat as I feel his fingers brushing my neck before a cold object presses gently on it .  

 I opened my eyes and looked at the large dressing mirror in our room. Decorating my neck was a delicate gold piece with emerald designs, tiny engravings with a small pendant gently grazing in between my collarbones.

 “It’s beautiful” I said through tears

 “It belonged to my mother. She gave it to me before she died”

I faced him and guilt clenched my chest.

  “I can’t take this” I said, reaching around my neck to take it off.

 “Don’t even think about it” he growled in my ear, making me pause.

 “But…”

 “I gave you didn’t I? It’s yours Tesoro”

I sighed in defeat, turning around to kiss him. “Thank you”. I said before we claimed that night as ours.

  A car honk brought me out of my reverie and I waved an apology to the owner, jogging the rest of the way to my one room apartment down the street. The room was cold when I entered, I let out a curse knowing my heater was probably faulty again. I swear I’m going to kill the technician I keep hiring to do a poor work.

 I take a quick shower and dress up in warm clothes. I’m exhausted. Working in the diner just about drains me. Crashing on my bed, I prepare for another dreamless sleep.

******

  When I was young, I always thought I was cursed because no human being could be so unlucky. My mother died when I was ten from cancer. I was too young but I vaguely remember a woman tucking me to bed every night with a lullaby or bed time stories, the drugs that were always scattered at the kitchen table and the cupboard in her bathroom, my voice when I tried waking her up in a puddle of her own piss, sad, broken. And when she finally succumbed to depression, an overdose, ending her life before the cancer could. I remember finding her lifeless body on the floor of the kitchen. After fruitlessly trying to wake her up, I laid beside her, holding her cold limp body tight until our next door neighbor came to snoop. According to her, she wanted to check up on us because she hadn’t seen me leaving the house for school. She had called the police and they came, prying me off my mother. It had been two days, she was already smelling, I hadn’t noticed.

 I went to live with my dad who had divorced my mom when I was five. For the five years I lived with him, he was barely around. He went to work in the mornings and came home very late at nights, reeking of alcohol. He was an addict, more drunk than he was sober. It caused his death. His car was found in a ditch not too far from home.

   My uncle raised me till I was old enough to take care of myself. I lived and survived on my own till I was 26 when I met him. He was like a breath of fresh air after years of inhaling smoke. He became my pillar. I never really relied on anybody, independent since I was a young girl, but with him, it was so easy.

  “I can take care of myself yunno” I said walking around him to my room “ I’m not the little girl I once was”. He followed me, he always did.

 “I know” he crossed the remaining space left to get to me with quick long strides. “ I know you can take care of yourself” he lifted his hands and gently caressed my cheeks “You’re one of the strongest women I know, but I want to take care of you” His lips brushed mine. “Let me…please”

  “I want to, it’s just that I’m scared, if I become used to all these, what will happen if you leave” I choked out. He breathed out, drawing me closer to him.

 “I’m not going anywhere Alexandra, the only thing that would tear us apart would be death and even then, I would haunt you because you belong to me, you belong with me and I’ll be damned if anyone or anything comes between us”

 I loved him, God, I loved him, I still do. I always will. When I realized I was in love with him, I was scared. Scared that it was too good to be true, scared that I didn’t deserve him, scared that I would lose him…

  A dry laugh leaves my lips, life fucked me up again…I did lose him. Not to the arms of another woman, not to whims that filled the heads of men, no! It was to the cold hands of the grim reaper. Death again, took someone I loved. Yes! I was cursed.

  I clenched my fist against my chest, willing the pain to go away. Looking around my room, there was nothing that would remind me of him. I kept it locked away in a box. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy some of the memories we made.

 The neon lamp that caught my attention in a store when we went on our first date. The diamond bracelet he got me for our one month anniversary.  The gigantic teddy bear he got me when he found out how extreme my periods could get. The only thing I couldn’t keep away was my necklace and my wedding ring. The only reminder that he once existed. That he was once with me. That he was once mine. I had had a taste of pure happiness, short lived but I wouldn’t change a thing.

  A year ago, at exactly 3: 15, Axel left the world, Axel left me. To face the dangers that once troubled me before he became the dark knight that fought those nightmares away. I remember the day clearly. I couldn’t forget, even if I tried. The nightmares always come back when I think of letting go. We were going on a trip. He said it was a surprise. I hated surprises but he loved to see the look on my face when he revealed them. But that day, I didn’t mind, because I had a surprise of my own.

 “Are we there yet” I asked, my legs bouncing excitedly

  “Almost Tesoro” He flashed me one of those smiles that instantly made my knees go weak. His beauty was so sinister that calling him handsome would be too austere. His eyes were my favorite. Green orbs that stared at me with so much emotion. He reached across the console to hold my hand. That was the last time I genuinely smiled. We crashed on impact.

 I woke up in a hospital, tubes connected to my body and machines beeping all around me. I lost my child and the love of my life.

  I parked my bike on the side walk, resting it on the small gate around the cemetery. Axel’s gravestone was simply done. I don’t really remember his funeral, I was only there physically, my mind had yet to agree. I knelt down beside the grave, removing the wilted flowers I brought last two weeks and replacing them with fresh ones. Taking the blanket I always bring with me to visit him, I sit down and tell him everything that has happened since I last visited.

 How my neighbor’s dog pooped in front of my door, how I got a coupon from my favorite coffee shop, how I finally managed to get in a car after months of being traumatized. I felt wetness slide down my cheeks and after the realization that I was crying hit me did my body explode into full wrecking sobs. I cry for the time we lived in oblivion, I cry for the day our lives were turned upside down, I cry for the times I spent healing, I cry for the unborn child we didn’t get to know and love, I cry for the pain that never seem to reduce. She said it would. She promised I’d soon forget. I didn’t. When the nightmares continued after a five month session, I stopped going.

  I don’t know how long I spend here but when the sun starts going down, I knew I had to leave. I had an evening shift at the diner. Looking at the grave once more, I turned to leave when something caught my eye or rather someone. I shrug it off. Probably a fellow mourner. Folding the blanket under my arm, I see that the figure is looking at me. I slowly start walking towards my bike. I can’t afford to be late for my shift. The figure follows me. I increase my pace, my heart beating erratically. Looking back, there’s no one there. Confused but relieved, I let out a small breath.

 I’m almost at the gate when strong hands whirl me around and clamp my mouth shut. My eyes widen in fear, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and it doesn’t slow down when I see who’s standing in front of me. All the color drains from my face as familiar set of green eyes stare back at me. It’s not possible. It can’t be.

 I pinch myself and wince when I feel pain. Not a dream. He’s here. Standing in front of me.  His hand tentatively leave my mouth.

 “Axel. I thought you were dead” I nearly whispered, my head feeling faint as my knees threaten to give out. Black dots clouding my vision.

 His lips curled into a sinister smile. He reached around and held my waist, helping me up.

  “I promised I would haunt you from the grave, didn’t I”

 My world goes black.