that time, we sat together on the porch in your house. 

your mummy was working shifts at the hospital.

and your daddy was sorting out academic papers in your living room.

you told me they never got along. they lunged at each other's throats. 

you said they were sadists, that they hated each other. 

you wondered why they stayed together though.

you wanted them to go their separate ways, to spare themselves the torture of existing in the same space. 

a tear slipped from your eyes. quickly, you rubbed it off. 

you wished your parents were like mine. peaceful. serene. 

i stiffen.

i tell you i'm dying. i say my death will tear my parents apart. 

they'd be swallowed in their grief, they won't remember each other at all. 

you don't believe i'm dying. you say i'm immortal. that i'm meant to live till infinity. 

i look at you and smile. i'm glad you have some optimism. but it is clear i'm dying. my illness have no healing.

you made me promise to always live. and i nod. for you, i'd promise to wipe out the sun. 

if only i knew how faithful i'd be to keep the promise.

today, i wish you were alive to see me alive. 

i wish you were brave enough to stay sane after your mummy accidentally took your daddy's life in one of their wars. 

i wish you did not first wander the streets, with the label mad attached to you so strongly. 

i wish i was brave enough for me and you.

today and everyday, i suffer for my lack of courage. for not being there to look after you in your grief. 

for eternity, i'll wish you still were here.